'How do you make a baby sleep on his/her own?' Self-soothing is one of the key words that came up with the many parents I spoke with at the Baby show, in London Olympia. It is rather a buzz word but what does it really mean and is it even achievable? Why has it become such a aim for parents?
I think that as families have become less close to each other, and communities are not serving the purpose of support they once did. Therefore there is a much great stress and emphasis on being able to get your baby or child to sleep, and stay alseep through the night so you can get the rest you need for your own mental and physical health.
Thomas Anders in the 1960s and 1970s studied infant sleep. He found that all babies do wake several times a night. However, there appeared to be two different categories. Firstly those infants who perhaps looked around, started sucking a fist or hand and managed to get back to sleep alone. Secondly, there were those infants who couldn’t fall back to sleep with out help. So in fact, the first group could be referred to as ‘self-soothers’ and the second group ‘signallers’.
Let us be clear, what self-soothing is NOT. If your baby or child, is tired enough, and feels content and calm it is possible they can fall asleep without your help. However, this is not self-soothing. If a baby or child is upset, stressed or dysregulated it is unlikely they will become calm without your help.
So really there are two different things here, 1) the ability to fall asleep without help and 2) the ability to calm down alone. The mechanism that calms the stress response is under-developed at birth and also in the first few years of life, so it is natural that a baby or child will need help to get calm.
In reality it therefore makes sense, leaving a baby to cry, does not necessarily mean they learn to ‘self soothe.’ They may eventually stop crying, but it hasn’t meant that any 'integellient' thinking has occurred in the
ir brain!!! Babies and children children develop the ability to self-regulate better when they are parented responsively, and their needs are met promptly. What we can take from all this is that sometimes a child will have a harder time than usual, being able to ‘self soothe’ and this can be conditional on what else is going on for them at that time.
We probably need to adjust our expectations around ‘self soothing’ and babies and children. We can’t realistically expect them to be perform like a robot and get themselves to sleep unaided every night from birth. In times where they need us, providing them with the support they need, will get a better result in the long run.
Once again what needs the change, is the 'help' that new mothers and fathers get so they have the energy, ability and space to be able to support their baby/child to sleep without it affecting their own mental and physical health. When I use the word 'help' i refer to family members, friends, and community to fill in the gaps where we cannot physically manage everything ourselves.
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