I started watching ‘Breathtaking’ on ITV the other day, and I was surprised at how emotional I became, watching and hearing Boris Johnson’s words and broadcasts and remembering where I was on certain dates/times. Looking at the masks, PPE and the shock and uncertainty of it all came back to me. Believe it or not, it was 4 years on this Saturday we got locked down. Often when I start to see the first signs of spring in the air, the birds familiar song, the daffodils and the lighter evenings, it takes me right back to that time now, in an instant.
I even played a few voice notes back that I had sent to a friend, from that time, and I sounded beaten. It made me sad. Having a baby and 2 year old was tough enough, sometimes I can’t even believe we had all our support systems shut down within a matter of days. Watching the ITV drama, I can see why and yes it seems we should have shut down a lot sooner. It was the right thing, but that never stopped it from being hard.
If I shut my eyes now, I remember my walks with my little ones, discovering nature, outdoor picnics, playdough, sand, creating activities from water, food colouring, music lessons on zoom, ballet through the tv, nursery zoom calls with the teacher and the daily dance routine. Suddenly I had become one of those mothers, where I was leading every activity of the day, in a desperate attempt to keep the children happy, and occupied. I wasn’t ‘in a job’ but I certainly had my work cut out!
Each day we would do a family walk, which thank goodness the little ones could be in a carrier so we could feel like we were actually going somewhere! I had always been a mum who enjoyed getting out to playgroups, gym, swimming etc. All of these support networks, along with nursery for my eldest, were gone. My parents, not able to support me anymore. My husband was of work briefly but soon returned as he could work from home. I never really knew how much I relied on these groups as a mum until they were not there anymore. Having a cup of tea and chat with other mums at a playgroup really had helped me survive 2 under 2 and the time following.
If you parented through covid, you will get what I am saying, whether you homeschooled or had older kids, or a newborn, there were challenges for all. My husband often says it was a time he really enjoyed, being able to spend time with us all, and that was great. For me, I almost felt ashamed at times not to be grateful to spend time with my kids, but I was already doing that, and now I had to do it without any support networks and without any friends.
We did love the outdoor things, the hunts, the creative fairy parties and discos, but nothing is the same as interacting with others. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done, and will be for most people. Are we left with scars? Are we left with trauma? In a way, yes I think we will all carry our own mental health challenges from that time and we shouldn’t be afraid to talk about them and process it even now. We don’t need to pretend it was ‘such a precious time’ with family because although you can have glimpses and moments of that, it wasn’t real life and it was hard!
Once again I saw my kids run into the park, the soft play, jump in the swimming pool, watch a movie together, chat to their friends and play at playgroup, climb and jump, attend kids activities and parties I have never felt such a feeling of happiness and gratitude. All these things that became 'normal', there will always be a part of me that will remember what it was like without them. Without a community, without support, without another mum to just speak to about the struggles of motherhood. We need this and we shouldn’t pretend we don’t. When life is hard, just remember what you did in those times and that may just get you through.
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